LONDON, UK – As the National Ice Hockey League fixtures finally reveal themselves, it’s that time of year when Pro Hockey News publishes its spouse guide for those new to the sport who found love this summer.
Generic hockey pic and not at all linked to Mr Leone or Mr Graham
Holding down a relationship is hard enough in the age of Tinder, Social Media and loose morals, however having a hockey player as a spouse brings additional challenges. The best approach is transparency from an early stage so read our FAQ guide in advance to give your relationship the best chance of survival.
Why are there so many fixtures?
Teams have bills to pay. The more fixtures, the more income they receive, and those with the highest costs will play the most games in general. Does your spouse play for a big budget team? Say goodbye to a relaxing Christmas and New Year! Arguably the most valuable advice we can give you is to look at all of the fixture dates and absorb them, especially around anniversaries, birthdays, Bank Holidays, Christmas and New Year. Look at the face off times and don’t act surprised when you hear that your spouse won’t be home until gone midnight some days.
Do they need to play every game?
Yes, unless you want them to get kicked off the team. Absorb the fixtures as mentioned previously.
Why do they have to leave so early before training and games?
Have you ever heard the phrase ‘fail to prepare, prepare to fail?’ There are intricate warm ups and tactics to go through before taking to the ice. Plus all that equipment takes time to put on. Additionally your whining may need to be discussed at length and possibly your sex life. The locker room is a sanctuary.
Why do their hands smell like wet dog?
That’s the sweaty gloves they wear on the ice. Even a lengthy shower can sometimes fail to remove the stench.
yes this could happen!
Why do they train so late?
Ice time is cheaper later on in the evening. Yes this means you won’t be able to watch Eastenders or Celebrity Big Brother together on some evenings.
Why is their smelly kit and sticks in the car?
Sometimes there is a necessity to keep the hockey kit and sticks in the car, especially on double header weekends. Just keep in your mind that the sticks may come in handy for road rage incidents, fending off aggressive dogs/seagulls or if you get anything stuck in a tree.
Can we go on holiday?
Face facts. You’ve had all summer to take a holiday (arguably late Spring too). If you do squeeze in a midweek break try not to tag your spouse on Facebook smashing back cans and burgers. Help him/her out tactically with some well-placed gym shots on Instagram. The coach will almost always be watching, even if they haven’t posted on social media since 2011.
Someone in the crowd at a game just slagged off my spouse, what should I do?
Best to keep quiet if at all possible. No one wants to read about their spouse ranting or giving opposition fans the bird on The Hockey Forum afterwards.
Can I wave to my spouse on the ice?
Absolutely not. For one thing any reciprocal waving may invoke a club fine and hit your spouse in the pocket. Keep all PDA* activity to a minimum within a five mile radius of the rink. Do not increase PDA activity to counterbalance attention your spouse is receiving from supporters of the team.
Should I wear a jersey with my spouses name on the back at games?
No, it looks weird and a bit cringe although opinions vary on this. This also includes wearing their team tracksuit top.
The ref sent my spouse off the ice, what should I do?
Nothing. Do not wait for the ref after the game or shout w*nker at him/her as they skate past. Just sit back, relax and do not wave at your spouse in the penalty box and under no circumstances lean over the glass and offer them a snack.
The team goalie seems a bit weird off the ice?
This is common. There are some exceptions but as a rule goalies can be slightly strange. Remember, these are people who enjoy hard rubber bouncing off their body at high speeds.
The coach hasn’t given my spouse much ice time, what should I do?
In short, nothing as they are big enough to fight their own battles. Do not be tempted into letting the coach’s tyres down in the car park. Its likely CCTV will catch you and word will spread around the league that you are a bit of a pyscho. Tactics could include creating a fake account on an online forum to slag off the coach in a subtle way or simply an obscure tweet along the lines of ‘What a tw*t’ or ‘Some people don’t have a clue’. Don’t forget to then ignore all subsequent replies of ‘U ok hun?’ until a day later when you can reply with a blanket response of ‘yes chick, all good’ or ‘DM me’
This all sounds depressing, should I end it now?
It has been a tough read we know. But we are simply managing expectations and helping you avoid the pitfalls of dating a hockey player. The sport makes your spouse the person they are, and understanding life in lower league hockey will make things all the sweeter for the pair of you.
*PDA = Public display of affection
Contact the author david.carr@prohockeynews.com
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