Time for the team photo!

LONDON, UK – The ice has been freshly cut, the players have preened themselves and the lights are bright. A guy with a camera nervously edges his regular shoes onto the slippery surface to capture a moment in time.
 
The team photo is the event no player wants to miss. The evidence of participation in a season that will be embedded into the history books, is an opportunity that usually only happens once a season. At a club like Streatham with 80 years of history it takes on even more significance.

 
The highly polished image hides a chaotic and often shambolic organisation that frustrates and delights all concerned. UK hockey team photos draw a similar parallel and can feature the usual suspects and characters, as listed below. Do you recognise any from your team?
 
The Photographer – The conductor of the whole affair. Out of his/her comfort zone and wary of dropping their expensive equipment onto the frozen surface, the photographer must deal with the ridiculous behaviour from players. Usually starting with a smile, the photographer soon loses his cool after the sixth or seventh attempt of trying to get everyone to pose sensibly and without blinking, gesturing or mooning. Will trudge off the ice afterwards mumbling obscenities and vowing never to help these ‘ungrateful sods’ ever again.
 
The Tall Guy – Usually instructed to stand at the back and in the middle. The tall guy gives the team a Christmas tree affect and poses a big headache for the photographer. Has to fend off comments like; ‘what’s the weather like up there’ and various other gags from team mates, and even the photographer if they are feeling brave.
 
The Joker – Spends the whole episode cracking gags and making faces. The joker can be amusing but often uses material that is tired. Randomly shouts out female body parts to try and make his team mates smile, and is possibly the only person outside of Japan to still think making bunny ears behind people’s heads with two fingers is funny.
 
The Sleeper – It doesn’t matter how many times the photo is taken, this guy just can’t keep his eyes open. The photographer starts grumbling but what can he do? The serial blinker is determined to appear sleeping in every shot. The Sleeper will then complain later as to why the picture was used, but the photographer can rightly respond ‘because you close your eyes more often than Garth Crooks’
 
The Front Row Man – This guy is determined to gain centre stage at all costs. Despite being neither a goalie nor a Captain or Alternate, this player is hoping that no one will notice as he slides on to the front bench unannounced. Likely to be sent packing and end up in the middle row, obscured by one of his team mates with a massive head. It really is just desserts for this guy.
 
The Zany Guy – The annual team photo brings out the colourful side in this player. Bleached hair, lamb-chop side burns or a massive beard are just three of the many options he can choose from, or all three assuming he is on the dole/welfare and doesn’t have to look normal for a regular job. Guaranteed to put off potential sponsors and get the rolled eyes treatment from his parents when they see the picture.
 
The Anonymous Person – Now and again this mystery figure pops up on the team photo. No one knows who he is or why he is there. This guy usually appears if the picture is taken during pre-season, and will later be identified as the “Macedonian International” who was passing through town and was asked not to return after showing skills not befitting the international hockey scene. Despite telling lies about his ability, this guy has his place in hockey history as a member of a team he never played for. Still, at least he has ‘evidence’ to add to his fake CV for future attempts with unsuspecting clubs.
 
The Giggler – This player is the lone victim of ‘The Joker’s’ attempts at humour. The Giggler appears to be enjoying the whole affair rather too much. Teeth bared and forehead creased the giggler leaves himself wide open for various caption competitions, especially if placed on the middle row in front of a team mate with obscured hands. This guy is likely to appear in the subsequent years’ photos posing with a fixed angry glare in a bid to never appear like a Cheshire cat again.
 
A modern insight into the trials and tribulations behind the team photo, which begs the question; has it always been this way? If we look back 75 years, we can only wonder how these gentlemen prepared for their place in history. It would not be surprising to hear they had some of the characters listed above and indeed it would be heartening to learn that they did.

 
Contact the author: david.carr@prohockeynews.com