Marc Twaite – My life after hockey

NOTTINGHAM, UK  – Avid readers of Pro Hockey News will remember a series we did some months ago on the plight of former Great Britain international Marc Twaite and how his career was cruelly cut short after a training session injury and how he’s fought for almost 10 years for justice and someone to apologise for letting him and his teammates down. Marc has kindly written his story and about his life after hockey. Sit back and read his shocking, sad and sometimes heartbreaking story in his own words.
“Well following up from previous articles I’ve written I thought I’d follow up with my story of the aftermath over the last 10 years since I had to retire from the sport I love.
Not only was I scarred from how I got treated with my injury, by the club, Sheffield Steelers and within ice hockey in general, it eventually hit me that I could never play again after my second surgery years after my initial one that I’d been waiting for over 12 weeks for that was classed as life threatening! Someone telling you in a position of authority that if you sleep on your right side during the night could result in you not waking up, your collarbone pushing against your trachea stopping you to breathe, you’re dead! It’s a shock let me tell you! Shock can send you into depression and anxiety that I’ve suffered ever since. Since my surgery, which resulted in a foot specialist puncturing my lung giving me 20% damage, I’ve had 5 lung infections! Not only does this affect your day-to-day work but your health in a big way. 
I was having to make my living in the family business at the time I was going through courts to try and get justice along with trying to get my shoulder as right as I possibly could so I could lead a normal life, I had the pressure of earning a living to pay my outgoings.
Because I was in a shoulder harness for over 8 months after my first operation I could not work as my job was in the building trade and all manual work. This was hard on me financial and eventually I had to get a loan from the bank to live and pay my monthly bills for example mortgage, food, fuel, car insurance etc just like any normal person would have to. I was feeling the pain not just from the way I was treated and waved goodbye without an apology from ice hockey in the UK, but financially I was hurting too.

If anybody knows that when you have a debt its hard to clear especially when your not earning! After this short time and still suffering with pain with my shoulder and with my non-existent income with debt growing and growing, I fell into a feeling that’s difficult to describe. I started to hit the alcohol in a big way to try and lift my spirits firstly by sitting at home and supping 2 bottles of red wine a night along with the 200mg anti-inflammatory ibuprofen I was taking daily, kind of numbed the pain but really wasn’t helping but I couldn’t see it myself.
This went on for a few years until I was rushed into hospital with chronic pains in my stomach. My parents were so worried, as you could imagine, after what I’d already been through its still ongoing! I had a stomach ulcer due to the alcohol and pills I was taking that burnt the lining in my stomach so I was prescribed more pills amozerpole I think they were. So with me drinking heavily and taking painkillers and stomach pills I was really struggling to sleep, I was losing weight and feeling weak. My friends couldn’t see this because I was a bit of a wild one. A night out with the guys was great but I was asking them to meet me at like 4 pm straight after work and then wasn’t finishing till say 5 am after 18 pints, a dozen double Jack Daniels and several tequilas! I was still wide awake and sober. It was strange the guys couldn’t understand I couldn’t get drunk!
I was getting into fights in Nottingham city centre, not due to my cause but I’d see a friend of mine getting picked on. Like any hockey player, you react. I was first in last out on too many occasions resulting in me getting arrested. This hurt my parents and it wasn’t until my father grabbed me and said “What’s wrong with you? You’ve changed. You’re not the same person we once knew”. I couldn’t tell them what I was doing because I knew it would upset them. The way I was treated by ice hockey broke their hearts. I couldn’t put them through any more pain. I tried to deal with it myself.
My way of dealing with it was fishing. I used to love getting away from everyone, drive as far as I could to be alone so I could drink my beer or wine take my many pills for the pain and my stomach, I was driving to Oxford for my fishing ‘fix’. At the time it was a two hour drive just to be somewhere where nobody knew me. I was quite popular as a player and around town but due to what I’d been through with hockey and the trouble I got into in Nottingham I felt being alone, away from it all, was the answer. Wrong! It got worse. I was in a right mess that sometimes I didn’t even cast my rods in whilst fishing due to me being passed out in my bivvy, drunk and kind of high on these pills for my pain. It’s so hard to explain what I was feeling but I was the lowest I’d ever been and there was noone to turn to. There was no after care for players in my situation.
There was a time when I wanted it all to end. I had it in my mind my life was going to get worse. I had no money, so much pain with my shoulder and suffering that I couldn’t play the sport I loved. Hockey was, and still is, in my blood. It was my life, my income, my social life and passion when all that is taken away from you when you’re at your peak in your career, it hurts so hard.
Eventually I get back to work a year later. I was over £10k in the red trying to keep the family business going alone at the time as my father had open heart surgery and my brother was on depression pills so 99% of the business went through me for over 2 years. My granddad was suffering with cancer so badly. It was hurting me and the whole family watching him suffer and losing weight, but we couldn’t do anything for him. It was awful. I felt at the time that seeing granddad in such a state is what kept me fighting my own battles going. Eventually granddad passed away, bless him. That was awful and I’ll never forget him. He was an inspiration to me he was so strong.
Going back to work I lifted something heavy, a concrete lintel, when my shoulder went. I felt pain straight away. I went to the docs and got sent for a ct scan. The stabilization had moved, “More pain that’s just what I needed”. So I started to take more pills and drink more alcohol as I felt that was the easiest way out of all this again as I felt there was noone to turn to. My shoulder had dropped 2’’ that made my shoulder blade drop onto my rib cage putting pressure on my hip all the way down on my right side. This then later resulted me going to a back specialist as my discs were under pressure and started to twist my spine. “Not again! God this is all I need!” I felt “Is this ever going to end?” It kept getting worse and worse I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I was so down and depressed you wouldn’t believe. Stressed out, just getting back to work and my shoulder goes again. It was so frustrating but I had to keep fighting because I didn’t want to let my family down. They needed me to run the business, to put bread on the table for everyone, not just me. It was a lot of pressure but I dealt with it. Don’t ask me how, but I did. I still kept thinking of granddad and the way he fought for his life and knew I had to keep going.
Anyway it got to the point where these painkillers weren’t working well, that’s what I thought. That was it, it was just my body was immune to them!
I started football with the guys twice a week to try and get myself back in some kind of shape. The first few games were so tough I struggled to breathe. My lung wasn’t right I’m sure. I was so out of breath after just a few minutes, but kind of just accepted it, I remember jumping up for a ball and fell down. No pain, but the following morning I had a frog in my throat and was really croaky. I struggled to eat properly so again I went to the docs and they sent me to the city hospital for a camera to be put down my throat. My collarbone was rubbing against my throat and causing me to struggle to breathe. Again I thought “Whatever next? This is a nightmare!” I was still fighting my case years on and going through all the pain and not one person cared. They probably did, but I didn’t feel it. My parents again were worried that my health was going rapidly down hill and I was only 33 at the time. Going back to the court case that is still being investigated by Detective Sergeant Pete Hulley at South Yorkshire Police. I am awaiting the result of what’s taken way too long but I understand that the police are understaffed and busy at this time due to cut backs. I just hope that not just myself but the fans of the Steelers and ice hockey in the UK really do see what happened during my time of going through the courts and finding out whether it was the company name or the Sheffield Steelers as a club that owed me my money and failed in their duty of care.
Then it got worse again. I’d been out one night in Mansfield and because these painkillers weren’t working, or that’s what I thought, I thought it best to crush them and snort them! Yes I was snorting painkillers… I remember getting caught in a toilet by a doorman. He dragged my down some stairs ironically he had my right arm which was hurting and didn’t have much strength anyway. I couldn’t fight back or he’d have had a few back, I wasn’t afraid how big he was. He rang the police they came and arrested me, I went to the police station and they asked me a few questions I said “Don’t worry its not cocaine or any class A drugs, its ibuprofen crushed to ease my pain”. He looked at me and thought ‘Why?’ I told him my story, he had the powder checked the result being what I told them. They had a brief chat with me about my injury my pain and my problem and let me go with no charge as it wasn’t a crime. The day after I then realised I had a problem not only that I couldn’t get drunk I was snorting painkillers and not sleeping I was skint. I was in deep depression trying to keep the family business going single-handed doing 12 hour days at work not eating properly.
There was then was two separate incidents after a three day bender, I collapsed at home and I remember twitching on the kitchen floor. I was sweating and staring at the light the next thing I knew I was in hospital. Again my parents were so worried but I couldn’t tell them. My problem, my issues. Due to everything that dad had been through having heart surgery and loosing his father, it was so hard for him anyway. I’m sure the paramedics knew when they asked me “Are you taking any tablets and what have you been drinking?” I said just a few pints and 1 painkiller for my shoulder, when it was more like 15 pints, 3 x100mg ibuprofen pills and a half a bottle of Jack Daniels!
I was furious and was so angry I wanted to drive up to Sheffield and beat the crap out of him for what he’d done. He knew how much that meant to me but showed no care no class and no respect! During all this I’d gone through 3 sports ministers, 3 MPs and wrote over 15 letters to authorities that could make a difference but none of them did! They showed no care towards what I’d been through. I thought to myself the government have the power to stamp on people in situations like this but didn’t want to get involved, didn’t want to rock an unsteady ship probably. If they did they would have to fund it somehow. It was down to money I’m sure of it. They knew what was going on after Neil Tunnicliffe did the report on ice hockey in this country. Still to this day after the Government have known about my situation and about the lack of insurance and care towards the players, refs and linesmen. Over the 7 years since the report paper they funded, they still ignore the fact that I could have died which really shows how much they care! I really feel for the next player who is forced to retire due to a life threatening injury or even a player that retires and has no aftercare for things such as depression, stress and shock. I’m sure if it was David Cameron’s son or daughter something would be done and certain aftercare and rehab would be put in place.
Family and friends couldn’t see what I was going through. I never spoke to anybody about my problems and what I was going through, I felt the whole world was against me as you can imagine.
Fishing had become my passion after hockey. I loved camping out on the weekends along with me joining a gym I started to work out 4-5 times a week and every time I went on the punch bag I let my frustration out on the bag. It was helping as it made me get physically strong and gave me a positive mind. Catching big carp gave me a buzz and gave me that smile that had been missing since I was forced to give up hockey. I was achieving things and I was starting to turn the corner just by another passion I found in fishing and exercise.
Then a time came where I saved an old guys life when I dragged him out of his burning car. He was 87 yr old Jack Tiplady, bless him. Him and his family were so proud of me they wrote to me and thanked me. That was more than what ice hockey had done in over 7 years. I won the local hero award for bravery in Nottingham as voted by Nottinghamshire police and the general public. It felt great and I had tea with the mayor in the council offices and donated my money I won to the charity When You Wish Upon a Star.
I was starting to feel like my old self. My mind was positive, my body felt strong. I’d been lower than low. I knew I couldn’t have got any lower, apart from probably death.
This was when I had the courage and told myself I needed to cut down on what I was doing or would end up dead anyway. My positive mind and strength I’d got from the gym along with catching big fish got me out the rut I was in. I was still drinking but cut right down. I was still taking painkillers but not as many. I am still struggling to sleep but I always will from the surgeon saying that I’d never wake up if I slept on my right side. That has mentally scarred me but all of a sudden things turned around, it took some years but I could finally see the light.
This all gave me the strength to fight for the players and refs and linesmen. I didn’t want any of my friends to go through what I’d been through. I couldn’t believe I was still alive. I’d survived!
After all this the recessions hit and the family business had to finish. There was no work and it’s been hard. Dad retired and my brother got a job as a baker. Because I had no money I had to rent out my house and buy a caravan. If I didn’t I would have lost my house and gone bankrupt, I lived in a caravan for 9 months. We had the worst winter, -20 most nights. My toilet froze and I couldn’t afford gas and electric, so I was wrapped up in jumpers all day and all night. I was living on soup and bread. I went from job to job, I was willing to have a go at anything. Whatever anybody threw at me it didn’t bother me as I’d fought for my life. There’s nothing more that makes you stronger, trust me.
To this day I look back and think how lucky I was. How I got through it and how scary it got sometimes doing what I was doing. I was totally addicted totally out of control and lived a nightmare for over 9 years. Bob saying and doing what he did made me fight on. I wanted revenge and I wanted him to suffer the way I did. He’s now long gone out of hockey and been made bankrupt. That gave me satisfaction. As I’d won so many personal battles, nothing could stop me now! Anything can be achieved if you put your mind to it. The human body is strong you, just don’t know how strong until you test it, until you challenge it. I challenged my physical and mental health to the maximum and now I feel so much wiser too.
I still have down days and I still suffer pain. I’m still scarred for life, that will never ever change, but one thing’s for sure – I’m still living to tell my story and if my story helps anyone that’s gone through similar situations then it’s done some good! If there’s any advice I can give anybody then that’s ‘Surround yourself with positive people. Exercise is hugely important and a hobby that you love that will give you satisfaction’
After what I’ve been through I will still fight for the players, refs and linesman in Great Britain. I will still put pressure on the Government until I get an independent governing body to stabilize ice hockey in this country. So the assets, the players, are protected, so the players have someone to turn after an incident like mine, There must to be some kind of aftercare for hockey players as they have to be fully prepared when they retire or they receive a serious injury because its a shock and you don’t prepare for it.
Still to this day we still have NO proof of player insurance. We are still unsure that all players registered are named on the league policy that covers every possible situation.
I wish the league, after being asked time and time again, come forward and show us some document that’s not back dated but currently covering all players including refs and linesmen. Are these guys covered and if so, for what?
What I’ve been through I don’t want anyone else to go through. It has been 10 horrible years and that’s scarred me for life. I’m so lucky to still be here writing you this article. I just hope someone of authority reads this and takes notice, someone who cares to do something and help the players if another case or situation like mine arises. Players right now have noone to turn to, only the route I went down and god forbid please don’t let that happen to anyone else.
Whilst I’ve been writing this I’ve been in tears. It still affects me and always will but I’ve come forward because I hope and think it will help players after hockey. It will help players get proper care and insurance and I hope that the people that can make a difference do so and make ice hockey, the sport we all love, a sport that takes care of its biggest assets. It’s players, refs and linesmen.
My website, about to be made up, will provide a blog for any player across the world with similar problems and issues regarding addictions and abuse, serious injury or depression and the shock after retirement to come forward and talk about it. When you have a problem face it head on. That problem won’t go away until you do something about it.
It’s good to talk and thanks for reading my story and my life.
Marc Twaite”.
Pro Hockey News would like to thank Marc for his sincerity and honesty.
If you would like to offer help or have any comments for Marc, please contact the author in the first instance Pete.Lewis@Prohockeynews.com