LONDON, UK – Long term followers of UK ice hockey often claim that the lack of characters in the game at the highest level has led to a sterile product. However look beneath the Elite league and the English Premier League and those elusive players may just be found.
Wightlink fun(Photo by Tim Bowers)
With the English National League rosters close to completion for 2010/11, will your team feature any of the stereotyped characters featured below?
1) The Hotshot
With his surname plastered across the back of most fans replica shirts, the hotshot can be rightly pleased with himself. Scoring for fun, he doesn’t need to hound the referee after every goal begging for an assist, because he is already wheeling away to his adoring support. The game is a pleasure for the hotshot and his main problem is fending off his loyal support in the bar after the game.
Most likely to… Advise prospective suitors during the summer that if the weekly salary doesn’t have three figures, then not to bother calling.
2) The Lunatic
The guy everyone wants on their team if only so they don’t have to play against him. Usually with a weird twitch or at least one small menacing eye, the lunatic sits in the corner of the locker room just itching to cause trouble. He only plays hockey because his parents thought it would be a good way to ‘channel’ his behaviour as a kid and stop him setting fire to public buildings and giving himself tattoos. Skating ability is optional for this guy as the coach knows he will scare the hell out of the opposition just because he is armed with a stick. Guaranteed to get thrown out of numerous games and break at least three sticks over the season by smashing them off walls, cross bars or opposition players.
Most likely to… Cause an alert of some kind on the way to the Isle of Wight by messing around with fire extinguishers or trying to steal the Captains hat.
3) The Flawed Genius
Beer O%27clock for Cardiff(Photo by Tim Bowers)
This kid has it all, or does he? The flawed genius delights the fans as he drifts coast to coast before roofing the puck into the top of the net with ease. Could easily become the ‘Hotshot’ if only he could focus and kick that McDonalds/booze habit and generally sort his life out. Most likely a star as a junior, the flawed genius blossomed early and frustrates the hell out of his coach by scoring a hat trick one week, only to miss the bus to Cardiff the next week. Likely to pick up a suspension at some point during the season, due to making an obscene gesture to the crowd.
Most likely to… Miss training and then be spotted running round the city centre topless and covered in kebab sauce.
4) The Reliable guy
The coach loves this guy as he will show up for every training session and probably all the ‘Meet the Fans’ events. The reliable guy will be loyal to his club but this can also see him taken for granted and he can often be snubbed for the flawed genius. A solid if unspectacular player, the reliable guy will play most of the team’s games and if injured will stand in as water boy to help his team mates in whatever way he can.
Most likely to… Never get mentioned by the fans and blend in so much to the background even the coach forgets him sometimes.
5) The Veteran
Not content with years of pain and broken relationships, the veteran still wants more of the good stuff. Reluctant to express any love of the game publicly, the veteran is happy to regale the younger members of the team with stories of on and off ice achievements that are usually exaggerated. These mainly include various goal exploits and successful womanising ‘back in the day’. The veteran always happens to have a spare adult movie in his road trip bag, should the bus not have any entertainment and is usually last to leave the bar and return to adult life. Despite the obvious and awkward clinging on to his youth, the veteran offers a steady influence on the ice and is invaluable to the coach in pressure situations.
Most likely to… Wear a baseball cap at all times to hide his balding head.
6) The Benchwarmer
This guy is just happy to be part of the team. Content with sitting six hours on a bus, to then sit for a full game on a wooden bench, the benchwarmer is a strange being. Not content with only wearing his team tracksuit to games, the benchwarmer will wear it six days a week including to family functions and whilst sleeping. Can often amuse fans by simulating a fishing scene whilst sat on the bench using his stick as an imitation rod, the benchwarmer only gets any action when a 5 or 10 minute penalty has to be sat on behalf of a team mate. The crushing moment when the penalty ticks down its final seconds, and the coach beckons him straight over to the bench is one of hockey’s saddest sights. Snubbed by the coach, his team mates and also the fans, the benchwarmer is a glutton for punishment.
Most likely to… Finally lose patience and urinate in the water bottles as a bitter send off to his former team.
7) The Prospect
Bristol say nom nom nom (Photo by flyfifer.co.uk)
The keen bean looking for his big break in hockey and determined to give it his all. The Prospect takes his homemade pasta everywhere and spends most nights watching NHL games. Dabbles in protein shakes and loves going to the gym, the prospect tries to get as much training in as possible whilst at the same time balancing his life. Desperate for a break, the prospect begs to be on the same line as the hotshot but at the same time tries to stay well away from the lunatic (who scares him). Taking his hockey seriously, the prospect can go one of two ways; move upwards, or most likely become the reliable guy.
Most likely to… Stay well away from alcohol but get his drink spiked on a road trip by the veteran and the lunatic and end up running naked through a motorway service station (before switching teams the next season)
8) The Crazy Goalie
Yes every team has one, and most are very similar. Not content with spending his spare time taking hard pucks to the body, the crazy goalie is equally as mad off the ice. Superstitious to the extreme, the crazy goalie has to be first out the locker room on game day, or last, or in the middle depending on what way the wind blows. Often found sleeping with his helmet, the crazy goalie will hit his thirties and decide he wants to be an out skater, mainly to settle some scores and get involved in the more violent side of the game.
Most likely to… Take a shot to the head in warm up and then try and tomahawk the shooter with his stick.
Please note – the pics above are for illustrative purposes and we wouldn’t dream of labelling Alan Armour as a flawed genius!
Contact the author david.carr@prohockeynews.com
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